When I first came back to work after Naomi died I felt like my office was my refuge. I was able to escape having to be a mother and the intensity of parenting my two young boys for eight hours. I could leave the never ending needs and the organizing and running the house in my dear husband’s very capable hands and escape.
Now, seven weeks on, I am struggling to sit in front of my computer all day. My brain doesn’t want to focus on data and groundwater models and reports. I feel this overwhelming need to create, to live, to remind myself that I am still alive. I want beauty. I want to see the world, to see it in a whole new light. Life feels so very precious. And I want to hold babies…mine and others. How grateful I am that my youngest still wants to cuddle, still wants to sit on my lap and let me hold him…not all day, but everyday.
And I want to capture each and every moment.
*Watching my oldest make banana bread with dad yesterday
*The boys playing Noah’s Ark in the tent in the living room
*Laughing at the closing Olympic ceremonies with my guys
*Pancakes for dinner
*Snuggles and prayers and “mom, don’t stop rubbing my back” at days end
*Kissing my husband awake while little boys climb on my back to hug me and ask “what are you feeling, mom?” “I’m feeling love for your dad, sweetie.” Big. Huge. Smile on his face…”why are you smiling, son?” “because I love you, mom”
Love…even in the tears and the shouting that, yes, comes perhaps all too often…still love holding us together. we are held together by His love.
This is what reminds me I am still alive. This is the start of what my baby girl has gifted to me in her life. Learning to love. Learning that love is stronger than death.